


Think of a Hero, But a Little to the Left

by pentaradial_symmetry



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Hero SBI, I APOLOGIZE, IM PROJECTING BABEYYYYY, No beta we die like Tommy in the prison, Sleepy Bois Inc Fluff, Sleepy Bois Inc-centric, So yeah, Swearing, TommyInnit-centric (Video Blogging RPF), Vigilante TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), but this fic is tommy-centric, can you tell I use them to cope, it's the mental illness luv xx, its just rated teen and up bc of swearing lol, sbi, sleepy bois inc - Freeform, so much swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-24 13:13:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30072771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pentaradial_symmetry/pseuds/pentaradial_symmetry
Summary: He can already hear Tubbo yelling at him for bursting through the window instead of walking in the door, which was mere feet away. In his defence, he'd looked like such a badass. But nonetheless, here he was, bleeding profusely after epic-ly entering the building like the Big Man he is, only to get stabbed by some cheater hiding behind the makeup display. A coward’s move; that dipshit must’ve known he couldn’t have taken on Tommy one-on-one, mano-y-mano, and so decided to-“Come out, come out, wherever you are kid! You wanted to play the hero so bad before, what happened?” The man currently pointing a gun to the cashier's head crowed, his eyes sweeping the aisles as his accomplice strolled about, searching for the kid.You fuckin’ know why you bitch. It’s cause your friend over there STABBED me. Asshole. Tommy thought, wincing as he held his hands up to his bleeding chest. Fucking hell, there was a lot of blood. What, did this guy have some sort of special, extra-makes-you-bleed knife or some shit? He would. Prick.------------Superhero AU with Vigilante!Tommy. Enjoy :]
Relationships: Technoblade & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Wilbut Soot & TommyInnit
Comments: 108
Kudos: 614





	1. Tubbo is the only reason he has lived this long

Tommy Big T Danger Kraken Innit, the greatest and only good man alive, was currently hiding behind a shelf in a drugstore after being stabbed.  _ He can already hear Tubbo yelling at him for bursting through the window instead of walking in the door, which was mere feet away. In his defence, he looked like such a badass. But nonetheless, here he was, bleeding profusely after epicly entering the building like the Big Man he is, only to get stabbed by some cheater hiding behind the makeup display. A coward’s move; that dipshit must’ve known he couldn’t have taken on Tommy one-on-one, mano-y-mano, and so decided to- _

“Come out, come out, wherever you are kid! You wanted to play the hero so bad before, what happened?” The man currently pointing a gun to the cashier's head crowed, his eyes sweeping the aisles as his accomplice strolled about, searching for the kid.

_ You fuckin’ know why you bitch. It’s cause your friend over there STABBED me. Asshole. _ Tommy thought, wincing as he held his hands up to his bleeding chest.  _ Fucking hell, there was a lot of blood. What, did this guy have some sort of special, extra-makes-you-bleed knife or some shit? He would. Prick. _

Tommy quickly glanced over to the taller man with the gun, dubbing him “Tallfuck,” and decided that the other’s name would be “Knife Man.” He was truly excellent at naming things. For some reason Tubbo always criticized him and his naming abilities, saying shit like “The name Tommy Big T Danger Kraken Innit is a stupid name” and “Why the hell would you name a worm ‘Clementine?’” He even had the audacity to pronounce his daughter’s name wrong; he never emphasized  _ Clementine _ properly. Also,  _ Clementine _ was NOT a worm, she’s a very beautiful young corn snake worthy of RESPECT, thank you very much. 

“Aha!” Tommy was startled out of his very important thoughts by the shout of Knife Man, who had discovered Tommy’s super stealthy hiding place in the Hair Care aisle. Tommy winced, then, with a quick  _ Fuck it _ , ran right towards the man currently pursuing him, screeching in a way that would put the demons of hell to shame. Knife Man stopped for a moment, taken aback by this crimson-covered child sprinting towards him screeching bloody murder, and that second was enough for the young vigilante to jump on and tackle him. They grappled for a bit, but Tommy ended up wrestling the knife out of his hands, and hitting Knife Man’s head against the flood. Hard. Hard enough that the man lay still, although thankfully still breathing. Tommy wasn’t trying to be a villain after all. It would look pretty bad if he killed someone, even if it was a bad guy. He stood up quickly, immediately regretting it as his vision blurred and he nearly collapsed.  _ Fuck, blood loss, right _ . He took a moment to breathe, then, definitely not leaning on the shelves, walked out of the aisle toward the cashier.

Tommy looked towards Tallfuck, who screamed “BACK THE FUCK UP OR THE CHICK GETS IT” as he held the crying girl’s head up to his gun. Tommy winced, it seemed like the man was pulling her hair pretty tight; that couldn’t feel nice.

“Chill man, I’m just here to-”

“NO, KID, GET THE FUCK OUT. NOW. OR ELSE I'M PUTTING A BULLET THROUGH HER SKULL.”

_ Shit, this was bad. He hadn’t really come in here with a plan; it was more of a spur-of-the-moment thing. He wasn’t really sure what to do to be honest.  _ Tommy put his hands up, making eye contact with Tallfuck, slowly but surely stepping back as he internally cursed himself out.  _ What the fuck was he supposed to do??? He was already feeling pretty dizzy… He didn’t know how much longer he could make it without passing out. Shit, what if he got captured by the police and they took off his mask? They’d find out who he truly was. He would never get to see Clementine again. Never get to see Tubbo again. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfu- _

Suddenly, as though the universe had heard his tearful, silent pleas to see his beautiful little snake-daughter just one more time, a tall, lanky man with fluffy brown hair stepped in the shop. Tommy was so grateful to see the hero he didn’t even care that he’d used the door to enter, like a boring bitch. The man looked at Tallfuck, the cashier, and Tommy, and, quickly assessing the situation, said “Put the gun down.” Tallfuck complied, his eyes glazed over as the hero’s powers took effect. Once Linguist spoke to you, it was impossible to resist his commands.  _ Fuck. Wait. One Tallfuck was no longer a threat, Tommy would be next. Shit.  _ He frantically searched around, looking for an exit, while trying to not make it obvious to Linguist that he intended to escape. He didn’t see any particularly great options except sprinting to the door and making a run for it.  _ He wasn’t really certain how well he could run like this either, with more blood dripping out of him as every second passed, but he would have to make do. _

Just as Linguist turned towards him, Tallfuck restrained and clearly intending to do the same to the vigilante he’d just encountered, Tommy decided to make use of his tried and true tactic: screaming like an absolute motherfucker. If there was one thing the great TommyInnit was good at, it was being LOUD. He screeched incomprehensibly, and Linguist and the cashier flinched at the onslaught of utter nonsense, some of which  _ definitely _ included swears in at least one language. Tommy made use of this moment of pause as he booked it past the two out the door, continuing to shriek like a bat out of hell to avoid the hero’s calls. People turned to look at him; he probably would’ve drawn attention to himself with all the blood anyways, but the demonic howling certainly wasn’t helping. 

Tommy stumbled down an alleyway, wheezing as his cuts started to burn more and more, and whipped off his backpack.  _ C’mon, c’mon… AHA!  _ He pulled out a pair of ear plugs. He always carried them on him, as Tubbo snored like a  _ motherfucker _ at night, and the few times he had to sleep in the same room- no, the same house- as him without them had nearly driven him to homicide.  _ Homie-cide. _ Anyways, Tommy was never without them- he had stashes everywhere,  _ like a raccoon, Tubbo said, as Tommy yelled defensively.  _ Tommy shoved them in his ears as quickly as he could, then scrambled to find a hiding place.

_Fuck. Shit. Okay. What would Tubbo do? “Not get himself into this mess in the first place” that little Tubbo-ish voice in his head said, which Tommy hissed at._ Suddenly, he saw it. _How could he have been so blind?_ There, near the end of the alleyway, was a large trash bin, filled with wrinkled, black bags. Tommy stumbled towards it as fast as he could, before climbing up into it and shuffling the bags to cover him. He scrunched his nose at the smell, but convinced himself that a little garbage-smell was infinitely better than going to jail and losing visiting rights to his beloved _Clementine._ _Also Tubbo,_ he supposed. 

Though he wasn’t aware of it, Tommy had hidden himself in the large rectangular bin mere seconds before Linguist came sprinting into the alley, yelling “Come out! Come out and show yourself now!” These calls fell upon now-deaf ears, and the alley remained silent despite the lanky man’s furious glaring. “Fuck,” he swore, and continued to run on to past as he searched for the vigilante. 

Tommy, still not knowing whether he was in the clear or not, pulled out his phone as slowly and (hopefully) quietly as possible, and pulled up the contact “Tubbster.” He took a deep breath and, after emotionally preparing himself for the scolding he was about to text, sent his best friend a message:

hey big man ik i said i was dont with patrols ealrier but thne i saw ths bitch fuckube with this women n tubs u knwo how i love the women the yr so pog but antyays i got in a bit dod a scufflyy and that tall bhero bicbth chaser me n now im inthe transh can u helps pls???? also i got stabbdbned a bit lmao not pog

tommy that the fccku do yoiu mena youre in the trahs?? 

how the fuck?

fuckgin hell. ill trakc ur location rn 

can yoiu not get in trouble fo r twenty minusre

tubbbbbbbbbbb pls i a m injustred

yeah bc ur erwr being fuckugn stupdi

thast not bery nice 

i want nym daguetb

daughrt

daughter

tommy i ams in the middle of rying to save ur ass u can see clam later

HOWB SDAD EOYU MOTHWERFULRHF BE

HER SMANEM IS C L E M E N T I N E

AND SHE IS M TBEAUTOFUL DAUHTER

Tommy huffed. _Clam. CLAM. That fucking bitch. Tubbo was such a fucking rude dickhead._ Clementine _deserved nothing but the utmost respect. She was a beautiful young lady and should be treated as such._ He grumbled, shifting in the trash a bit before wincing as his injuries made themselves known. _Christ, wasn’t he supposed to have like. An immune system or some shit. Shouldn’t there be scabs or whatever the fuck. This was bullshit._ _The great Tommyinnit had much more important things to do than lie around in the trash, bleeding out, while waiting for Tubbo to save him._ Wait, Tubbo. _SHIT he was getting a call!_

Tommy scrambled to get out his ear plugs, and heard the agitated voice of his best friend come through the speakers of his cracked phone, along with the real thing a few meters away. “TOMMY! TOMMY? WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?”

“I’M RIGHT HERE BITCH!” He yelled, trying to crawl his way out of the trash pile he was currently nestled in.

“Oh my God, Tommy, you really are a fucking raccoon, Jesus Christ,” Tubbo said as he pulled Tommy out from the bin. Tommy scowled at him, grumbling in an attempt to cover his hisses of pain as his wounds were jostled. “Alright big man, come on, let’s get you back to the apartment,” Tubbo sighed, half-carrying his stubborn best friend who absolutely REFUSED to be carried “out of pity,” even though at this point he was basically incapable of standing by himself. 

The pair finally reached the end of the alley, Tubbo shoving a hoodie on to Tommy to cover up his fairly obvious vigilante uniform (along with the blood stains) as he groaned. Tubbo removed his friend’s mask, and pulled him up on his bike as gently as possible. The two had been riding the old bike for years, so it was practically second nature for Tommy to balance on the bike as Tubbo slowly brought them back through the city to their home. 

As the two rode through the city, bickering the entire way, Tubbo noted a drugstore nearby was currently surrounded by police, and it appeared as though the famed hero Linguist was giving a statement. Tubbo sighed,  _ what the fuck did he get himself into this time. _ He didn’t mention it (for now), figuring it was better to keep his friend going with their usual banter than actually dig into him when he was pretty much out of it. It was unlikely he would remember much, anyways. 

“Fuck you, you god-damned bitch. I’ll have you know I am the biggest, tallest man alive. Except for maybe Philza minecraft, creator of minecraft- Amen- but that is simply because he is above all men, everywhere. Really Tubbo it wouldn’t be fair to compare anyone to him; he is simply so poggers. And anyways-” Tommy babbled, not really aware that Tubbo had been only half-listening this entire time, focusing intently on simply getting the two home so that he could tend to his dumbass friend’s injuries so he didn’t end up hospitalized. 

Finally, the two rounded the corner, Tommy somehow on the topic of why fish don’t deserve rights, and Tubbo pulled Tommy off the bike and set him gently on the ground. Tubbo locked the bike, breath coming out in pants; he was used to bringing Tommy around with him, but he’d gone  _ fast. _ Tubbo pulled his incoherent best friend up from the floor, dragging him into the lobby as he prayed they wouldn’t encounter anyone on the way up to their apartment.  _ Thank god they were only on the second floor _ , he thought, as he and Tommy got in the elevator.

Neither took notice of the TV playing in the lobby, too absorbed in the principles of the autonomy of aquatic species and trying to make sure their idiot best friend didn’t  _ fucking die _ , to recognize what was occuring on the screen. 

“Here we have the #8 hero Linguist to discuss the incident tonight at the CVS off of 5th Street. Sir, what can you tell us?”

“Not much the police you interviewed earlier haven’t already told you, other than this. There was a vigilante here tonight, who I’ve heard goes by the name “TommyInnit.” Be aware,  _ Tommy, _ that one day you  _ will  _ face the law. We heroes do not look kindly on those who choose to take justice into their own hands. Furthermore, there will be a $50,000 reward for anyone able to give information pertaining to the identity of this vigilante. Please call the following hotline-”

\-------------------

Somewhere, a few blocks away, a blond man in a white sweater and his younger brother exchanged glances. The man smirked, raising an eyebrow at his sibling in a purple t-shirt, who sighed “Punz, man, we can’t rat him out. You know Tommy trusts us.” 

“I’m just saying Purp, 50K is a lot of money. Besides, what’s the kid ever done for you?” The man replied, scoffing. 

“Punz, he’s one of our buyers. You know we can’t reveal that shit without losing our credibility.” He countered.

“Alright, alright, I know. Kid’s just fucking annoying. He could do with being knocked down a peg. I won’t say anything right now; 50K isn’t worth the trust of our buyers. But if it goes higher, well, I might just let it slip…”

“Whatever. We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it, I guess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LMAO it's been ages since i've written fanfic so apologies for any fuck-ups.  
> also if u enjoyed lmk!! i kinda just Went For It so idrk if I'm gonna end up making this into a Thing but if u guys like it i will certainly continue.  
> have a good one!! :]  
> PS: would love to see if anyone can correctly guess what these two are actually trying to type LMAO


	2. tubbo deserves the world, and then some

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we get some lore boys!! also the consequences of tommy being a Fool.

“Seriously Wilbur? 50K for that little kid? He’s so skinny it looks like a gentle breeze would snap his spine. Are you actually intimidated by him?” Asked the tall, pink-haired hero as he confronted his coworker, a smirk on his face. 

“Fuck off Techno. That ‘kid’ is a vigilante, and a menace-” Linguist responded, crossing his arms as he was interrupted by the Blood God.

“ _Oh no_ , not a vigilante! Whatever will we do? We’ve _never_ had to deal with some little upstart who thinks he’s going to save the world and reform hero society before. I should call a committee meeting.” Techno replied, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

It was true, though. Vigilantes had sprung up right along the rise of heroes, although thankfully their numbers were starting to dwindle as the law began to crack down harder on unregulated power usage. _Thank God they finally passed the Reformation Act,_ Techno thought with a huff. This allowed any relatively sane vigilantes (aka: those who hadn’t done something terrible such as homicide) to be essentially free from legal action against them if they agreed to become government-registered heroes. Usually the worst consequence they ended up facing was a $5,000 fine. All things considered, it wasn’t a bad deal. Especially because, prior to this, many of the vigilantes decided to turn to villainy simply because they didn’t want to risk prison. One could argue they would face consequences either way, villain or vigilante, but villains were especially adept at escape routes. Even more so when they lacked the moral code to prevent them from taking hostages. 

“Listen, Techno,” Wilbur replied, lowering his voice as he leaned closer, “The Prophet got in contact with me.” The Blood God stiffened. The Prophet wasn’t a very well-known hero; he certainly wasn’t out in the midst of battles, but his powers were nothing to scoff at. He was able to catch glimpses of the future and the past in his dreams, and whatever he saw ended becoming reality. A message from him wasn’t something one took lightly. 

“He called me the other night; he said he’d dreamt of something important. He saw that vigilante, that _TommyInnit,”_ Wilbur hissed, “Standing over Dream as he stabbed him through the chest with _your axe_.”

Techno blanched. _His axe? How the fuck would that little vigilante get his hands on the Axe of Peace. Techno never let it out of his sight in battle. There was no way he’d have given it up willingly to a known criminal, non-threatening or otherwise. Although he wasn’t really sure the kid counted as non-threatening anymore. And hurting Dream? Him and Dream upheld a friendly rivalry, battling for the number one spot (which Techno was proud to say he currently held), but he didn’t wish any harm on the masked man. He certainly didn’t want him to meet the business end of his axe._

“Shit.” Techno whispered, looking at Wilbur, who looked about as happy with the situation as he felt. Which is to say, not at all. “Does Dream know about this?”

“Not yet. I’ve been meaning to talk to him, but I haven’t been able to get a moment alone with him yet. Karl hasn’t been able to get into contact with him either. This isn’t exactly something I want spread.” Wilbur replied.

“Yeah, I understand. If people knew that he is- er, could- do something like that, _take down Dream_ , I’m sure S-” Techno coughed abruptly, looking away, “I mean, I’m sure some… less than savory people would be interested in recruiting him.”

“Hence the high reward. I want to get that kid into custody before he does something awful,” Wilbur said with a grimace. Techno met his eyes solemnly. Karl, The Prophet, had yet to be proven wrong. The fact that he’d seen this kid fatally injuring the number two hero… wasn’t a good sign. 

\-----------------

Tommy groaned as he woke up, his head still feeling fuzzy from his excursion the previous night. _What the fuck happened- Oh, right. He had been finishing his patrols, like the excellent vigilante he was, super stealthy and sneaky and shit, Big Man Expert Stealth Master Innit, he was, when he’d seen that dipshit go in the drugstore and heard a scream. Then he’d seen Linguist and-_ Tommy gasped. _He’d seen LINGUIST! Perhaps the only other good man besides himself and, of course, Philza Minecraft, the man of all men._ Linguist had been his idol for a while now. _Not that he would ever say it to the prick’s face, of course._ When he was younger (alright, maybe he still did it now) he’d sit rapt in front of the TV as he watched Linguist save the day yet again. _If only he’d had actually useful powers like Linguist’s, instead of his stupid-_

“Tommy? Are you awake?” Tubbo said, walking into the room. 

“I am now, bitch,” Tommy huffed, not-so-secretly enjoying the hug his best friend gave him.

“Tommy…” Tubbo sighed, then, eyes sharpening, he pulled back, “Care to explain what the _fuck_ you were thinking last night?”

Tommy winced. _Yeah, he was in for it._ “Well you see Tubbo, Tubbster, my best frien-”

“Cut the crap Tommy. I hear nothing out of you for an hour after you should’ve been home, and then I get a text that you’re in a dumpster and you’ve been stabbed? Seriously? You need to fucking think about these things! You could’ve gotten caught, or worse, seriously hurt.” Tubbo lectured, staring furiously at Tommy as he lay on the bed.

“Ah, Tubs, I’m a big man, I would’ve-”

“TOMMY!” Tubbo yelled, silencing him. _Tubbo never yelled._ “You could have fucking died! You could have died, alone in that stupid fucking dumspter! I could’ve lost my best friend” Tubbo choked, eyes beginning to tear up, but tone no less infuriated, “all because you were too stupid to just call for backup earlier or leave it alone for the pros to handle, like you should’ve.”

“Tubbo,” Tommy whispered. _God he hated it when Tubbo cried. It made him want to cry too. Fuck._ He reached his arms upwards towards his best friend, who promptly, but gently, collapsed into them.

“Just,” Tubbo whispered, sniffling, “Just _promise me_ that next time you’ll call me before you do something like that. Why the hell did you even take your earpiece out?”

 _Oh, yeah._ Tommy winced. “I may have… accidentally… broken it?” He said, cringing as he heard Tubbo’s outraged gasp.

“WHAT? HOW? It has been _three days_ since I gave you your new one, Jesus _fucking Christ_ Tommy!”

“Well you see big man-” Tommy began to babble, his eyes starting to droop slightly. Tubbo huffed. _Tommy was going to be the death of him._ He gently held his _idiot_ of a best friend until he fell asleep, then slowly got up off the bed. He had _another_ earpiece to replace, it seemed. 

Before he left the room, he walked up to the tank where they kept the small corn snake. _Clementine,_ he thought, failing to repress the smile that came across his face at the mention of Tommy’s beloved “daughter.” They’d found her online; some idiot had posted that they planned to release the snake out into the wild because he didn’t realize that corn snakes could grow up to six feet. Tommy had seen a picture of the snake, whispered the word “ _Clementine_ ” so softly Tubbo wasn’t even sure he’d heard it, and then promptly demanded that the two go rescue “his beautiful little daughter.” Tubbo was hesitant at first; the two barely had enough money to support themselves, and he wasn’t certain they could afford to take care of a pet, but Tommy’s pleading eyes were nigh-impossible to say no to. He’d agreed, especially after Tommy promised to do the dishes for a whole month.

The snake had only been around a foot and a half big at first, but was now over two. He grimaced as he dropped a thawed mouse into her enclosure. He still wasn’t really comfortable with the whole “ordering frozen dead mice from the pet store” thing. But Clementine made Tommy happy, so he endured the momentary discomfort. _Plus,_ he thought, looking fondly at the orange snake, _she was pretty cute. He would never admit it to Tommy, though._

Tubbo checked his watch and swore under his breath. _Fuck, he was going to be late to work!_ He scrambled to put on his uniform, mis-buttoning the pink button-up in several places, grabbing his bag and running out the door. _If he ran he might just be able to make it there on time._

Niki’s was a nice little bakery off of 8th Street, known best for its welcoming atmosphere and delicious pastries. The owner, the store’s namesake, was a short young woman with pink hair and a soft voice who everyone said was as sweet as her cupcakes. Tubbo had gone there every so often, in love with the chocolate chip cookies, and him and Niki had eventually become friends. As her bakery got more busy, she offered Tubbo a job there, which he happily accepted. It was how him and Tommy were able to get Clementine- excuse him, _Clementine_ \- such a nice enclosure. 

There had originally only been two people working there, Niki and a tall but quiet young man named Ranboo, but the shop had exploded in popularity after the heroes Philza and Linguist were spotted getting tea and cookies and chatting with the owner. Her shop had been filled with fans and reporters ever since, eager to get a chance to see, maybe even speak with the popular heroes, but they hadn’t been seen in the building since. It was worth noting that Linguist had been seen holding a cup of tea with her logo on it more than a few times, though. 

Tubbo had been trained to reply to all the inquiries about heroes with a polite but firm response. He’d gotten pretty good at making the cookies and cupcakes, and he’d even created his own bee cookies, which were now a favorite of the public. His stomach grumbled at the thought…. _Mmmm… bee cookies…_

He burst into the shop, bell clanging, as Ranboo looked up with a start. He was always so easy to startle. “Hi Boo!” He called with a smile as he walked up to the tall boy.

“Hi Bee!” Ranboo replied with a grin. “I think Niki’s in the back, you should go help her with the next batch of cupcakes.”

“On it!” Tubbo replied, walking into the door marked with a nice cursive “Employees Only, Please.” Niki had hand-painted the sign, along with the labels for the pastries they put out each day and the menus that hung on the back wall behind the register, and they were frequently complimented. 

As he strolled in, already planning all the bee designs he would make us of today, he heard murmuring from behind one of the storage cabinets.

“No, Niki, listen to me, I know you’re already on an assignment right now, but this is more important. Dream could d-” The lanky, brown-haired man whispered furtively, stopping when he noticed Tubbo staring at the two. 

“Tubbo!” Niki greeted him with a smile, walking over to give him a hug. “I’m sure you’ve already recognized him, but Linguist is actually a friend of mine! He stops by every once in a while for a chat and a cup of tea; I was just about to get him one!” She stepped back, and seemed completely at ease despite the rather odd conversation Tubbo had just caught the end of. 

“Oh, um, alright! Sorry to interrupt. But, um, Mr. Linguist, if you don’t mind, could I ask you for an autograph? My friend is a big fan of yours.” Tubbo stammered, avoiding eye contact with the hero.

Wilbur’s posture softened slightly, and nodded as he said “Of course, kid. Just don’t say anything about today, alright? I’d hate for Niki to get swarmed even more by the press just because she makes a good cup of tea.”

Niki sighed dramatically, though there was a smile on her face as she cried, “Oh! I can’t believe this! You’re only friends with me for my tea! How could you?”

The two bickered for a bit as Tubbo searched around for a piece of paper. _Oh! He had some in his pockets, didn’t he?_ He reached down, searching around until _Aha!_ He felt it. He pulled out a small notepad and a pen and walked up to the hero currently on his knees, begging for Niki’s forgiveness as she faked tears.

“Please, Niki! I promise that I- oh! You have paper! Perfect,” Wilbur said as he stood up and took the pen from his hands. “Who should I make this out to?” 

Tubbo hesitated for a moment; it was really unfortunate his best friend had decided to use his real name as part of his vigilante title. “Make it out to… _Clementine._ ” He replied with a smile. _Tommy was going to cry when he saw this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CLEMENTINE LORE POG!!!! I had to research into the care of corn snakes for this LMAO I have never had pets before so snake owners please do not hesitate to correct me in the comments.   
> Also Karl lore pog. He gets prophet powers because I think he deserves it and no one can stop me.  
> Anyways subscribe to Technoblade, and if you enjoyed please lmk!!  
> My Twitter is @ penta_sym if you want to yell at me.


	3. i believe in clementine supremacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they're best friends your honor. also, we finally get a glimpse of green boi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was up so late last night. I am so very tired. I have assignments to do. Here, have an update.

When Tommy woke up again, it was almost one. He grumbled, reaching over to his nightstand where his phone lay. On it was a sticky note, which he peeled off and squinted at, reading:

Hello big man,

I need to go to work to earn money to feed us and your precious daughter. I’ll try to bring home some snacks. Please don’t die while I’m gone; I’ll get you a new earpiece as soon as I get back.

-T

Tommy snorted after finishing the note, crumpling it away. _“Don’t die.” Why the fuck would he- Oh. Yeah. The whole “getting stabbed” incident. Hm._ _Well, he wasn’t due to patrol today anyways, so he should be fine. He had planned on spending most of today looking for a job and hanging out with Clemen-_

“ _ CLEMENTINE!”  _ Tommy shouted, shooting up straight (and then immediately regretting it). He winced, moving a bit slower as he got out of bed, taking a second to steady himself before he walked over to his beloved daughter’s room. “Hello my beautiful  _ Clementine _ ,” he whispered as he gently picked up the corn snake into his arms.  _ She was a pretty young girl indeed,  _ he thought. “No man will ever be worthy of you, Clem.” 

He held her up so that she was facing him. “Look at me. Look me in the eyes. Men? Terrible. Awful. I hate them. Women are so poggers  _ Clementine _ , and you are perhaps one of the poggest. Tubbo says that’s not a word, but I think he’s just being a bitch. You’re never a bitch, are you? Always so wonderful, my  _ Clementine. _ ” The orange and red snake stared at him blankly, hissing softly, and he nodded. “You are so right Clementine. I  _ should  _ go make some Mac and Cheese. You are so wise. You get that from me, you know.” He set her down in her tank softly, and then walked out of his and Tubbo’s shared room, determined to make some tasty pasta. 

Tommy and Tubbo had shared an apartment for a while now. They’d planned on doing it since they were younger (they’d known eachother since childhood), and had finally gotten the chance to do so when they turned sixteen. It had now been a year since they’d moved in. It was a little run down, and the dishwasher didn’t work most of the time, and the shower never seemed to have water any hotter than lukewarm, but it was cheap, and their landlord wasn’t terrible. 

Tommy hummed as he heated the water in a pan he’d gotten from a garage sale.  _ Damn good pan, too. Don’t know why the idiot got rid of it _ . He recalled when he and Tubbo had gone around searching for things for their new apartment, including a variety of medical supplies. The lady at checkout had looked a bit concerned when Tubbo had brought up ten bottles of disinfectant, but Tommy was certainly glad he did. Clearly, Tubbo knew how often his vigilante best friend got into fights. 

_ Certainly got use out of those _ , he thought, grimacing as he looked down at his bandaged chest. He noticed the water was beginning to bubble, and poured the noodles in, slowly stirring the pasta around as he stared at the swirling water, entranced. He sighed, then leaned up against the counter as the weight of last night’s excursions truly caught up to him.  _ Shit. He could’ve died. Like actually DIED. Fuck. All because of those fucking pussies had stabbed him a bit. Of course, when Linguist had arrived he’d been able to take down the man easily, but it wasn’t as though Tommy’s powers would’ve done much good in that situation anyways. Setting a small blaze likely wouldn’t have changed the outcome.  _

He huffed, stirring the pasta aggressively.  _ Of course he couldn’t just have normal flame powers, could he? He had to be a discount-fucking-Sapnap, only able to produce flames when he was injured. What kind of shitty joke was the universe playing on him here?  _ He’d dreamed of being a hero when he was younger, idolizing the trio known as the Sleepy Bois, and when he’d discovered his powers he’d been heartbroken. There was no way he’d be able to become a hero. He’d cried for a while after that, clinging-  _ “you’re the clingy one, Tubbo-”  _ to his best friend as he sobbed. 

He smiled sadly at that, stirring a bit less like he was trying to centrifuge the pasta like bacteria in a lab, as he thought about his best friend. Tubbo, loyal to a fault, had decided that, one way or another, Tommy would become a hero. He’d stayed up late for who-knows-how- many nights, as he secretly worked to design the technology that would eventually allow Tommy to become TommyInnit, vigilante extraordinaire. 

With his tech equipped and his best friend talking in his ear as he patrolled the streets, TommyInnit had made a bit of a name for himself as a man of the people. Heroes were notorious for ignoring “smaller” crimes in favor of big, flashy showdowns with supervillains. Hell, Technoblade,  _ the number one hero _ , usually only appeared in the public eye around once a month! 

With the fact that their pay was determined by their popularity, many heroes had abandoned the idea of “looking out for the little guy” in favor of making cameos in popular TV shows, participating in advertising campaigns, and doing essentially anything besides  _ their fucking jobs _ . Additionally, the idea of constant government surveillance made Tommy shiver. He’d actually been thrilled when the Reformation Act had been passed, sure it was his opportunity to finally become a hero, but the more he’d thought about it, the less ideal it seemed. 

Lesser-known heroes had to take on all the risks of fighting super-powered bad guys with barely any pay, and were still subject to government scrutiny. And if any of the former vigilantes decided that they didn’t like these conditions? They were sent to face the brunt of the legal system alone, likely to spend at least ten years behind bars. It was no wonder that the program had such a high success rate; it’s not as though those who were enrolled had any other option.

Tommy hummed as he pulled the macaroni off the heat and poured it into a strainer.  _ Whatever. He was happy as a vigilante, stopping the crimes that most heroes would turn up their nose at _ , he thought disdainfully.  _ Besides, with Tubbo there to help him, and  _ Clementine  _ there for moral support, there was no reason he should be anything less than content. Life was good.  _

As he mixed in the cheese powder,  _ cheese powder? This shit was neon fucking orange. There’s no way this was actually cheese. Oh well, it was delicious.”  _ Tubbo entered the apartment, a grin on his face. 

“Tommy!” He called.

“Tubbo!” Tommy replied, racing over to give his best friend a hug. “How was work big man? How’s Ranboob?”

“Tommy,” Tubbo replied with a sigh, “you  _ know _ his name is Ranboo. Anyways, work was great, I thought I was going to be late, but I ended up making it just in time, and Niki ended up letting me- Oh!” He paused, then frantically dug through his pockets searching for something. “No... no... no... how the fuck did that even get in here? No... no... Aha!” He cheered, pulling out a slightly crumpled piece of paper. He handed it to Tommy, who looked it over and gasped.

“You’re fucking lying.”

“Nope,” Tubbo replied with a grin, “When I walked in the back, Niki and Linguist were chatting, and I asked him for an autograph!”

“TUBBO!” Tommy screamed, launching himself into the arms of his  _ best friend, his best mate, the best fucking human to ever exist,  _ as he held the paper tightly in his hand. “Wait- you met  _ Linguist?  _ What was he like? What was he wearing? What’s his opinion on snakes? Did you tell him about  _ Clementine _ ? Oh, you must’ve to get the autograph, did he say anyth-”

“Tommy,” Tubbo interrupted with a smile, “I just asked him to make out the autograph to Clem- sorry-  _ Clementine _ , and then he got he and Niki just chatted for a bit as he drank some tea. He was really nice! Although he seemed to  _ hate  _ anteaters, for whatever reason. It was like he had a personal vendetta against them.”

“He is so wise,” Tommy whispered, eyes wide. 

Tubbo laughed, “Yeah, I suppose he is. Although, now that I think about it, they were talking about something strange-”

“Stranger than those ugly ass motherfucking disgraceful excuses of animals called anteaters?” Tommy replied disdainfully, seeming to have acquired a hatred of his own after learning that Linguist despised them. 

“Yes, actually,” Tubbo said, turning serious, “When I walked in, before they noticed me, Linguist was talking to Niki, it seemed like he wanted something from her, or for her to do something. He even said that she was on a ‘mission’ already or something. And then he mentioned Dream, but right when he saw me he shut his mouth.”

“A mission?!? Is Niki some sort of spy?” Tommy responded, shocked.

“I don’t know, honestly. Maybe it was some sort of inside joke? But he seemed pretty serious… Wait, is that mac and cheese?” Tubbo asked, attention suddenly switched.

“Indeed it is big man! And since you have given me a gift for my daughter, you can have some too,” Tommy replied with a grin. 

“You’re too kind.”

“I really am. They call me Tommy Big T Dan-”

“Oh my god. Not again.”

\---------------------

Wilbur had that stupid smirk on his face despite the severity of the situation,  _ that idiot.  _ It was, of course, because Techno actually had elected to call a committee meeting of many of the top heroes in order to discuss the vigilante, TommyInnit.  _ Just as he had suggested sarcastically before,  _ he huffed, noticing that the hero had yet to lose the shit-eating grin.

“Shut up,” Techno said, glancing over at the man sitting across from him.

“I didn’t say anything,” he replied, smile only growing wider. 

As of right now, they were only waiting for Hypnos, Flame, and Dream.  _ The Dream Team, how original,  _ Techno thought as he rolled his eyes. “Bad, when are they going to get here? The meeting was supposed to start five minutes ago and I swear to God if I find out that Hypnos is fucking sleeping-”

“AYYYYY!” Interrupted one of the aforementioned heroes, Flame, as he strolled into the room. His clothing was as bright  _ and annoying,  _ Techno thought, as his powers. Neon orange flames on every piece of clothing he owned was certainly… a look. Not necessarily a good one.

Hypnos trailed in afterwards, as Techno drawled “Oh, thank you  _ so much  _ for  _ gracing us  _ with your presence. Where’s Dream?”

“Dream couldn’t make it. Now why’d you call this meeting?” Hypnos replied, seeming as dissatisfied with his answer as Techno felt.

Techno’s face turned serious as the two sat down. “Karl,” he said, turning towards the Prophet, “Tell us what you saw the other night.”

Karl, at the mention of his name, nodded and stood up solemnly. He pulled out a bright book, with colors that seemed to swirl together and a shiny, squarish spiral in the middle. His dream journal, where Karl wrote down everything he remembered from his prophetic dreams the night before. 

“So, uhm,” he said, flipping through the pages while mumbling, “No... no... no- Oh! Here! Okay, so, I have here… The city was pretty much wrecked,” The heroes at the table sat up straighter.  _ Shit.  _ “And, uhm, there were some fires.” Glances, some less subtle than others, went towards Sapnap, who grimaced. “Also, there was a lot of fighting, but I couldn’t really make out who was who except-” He paused here, looking around with some foreboding mixture of terror and sadness. “Except I saw Dream. Uhm. Lying on the ground, while that vigilante kid, that TommyInnit. He uh. He was stabbing him through the heart. With the Axe of Peace.” Karl finished, voice beginning to choke up.

“WHAT?” Cried out several voices, Flame and Hypnos among the loudest as they stood up and moved closer towards The Prophet. 

“The Axe of Peace-”

“But how would-”

“That’s not even-”

“How could that kid-”  
“Karl, wh-”

“Everyone!” Techno yelled, quieting down the explosion of questions and concerns directed towards Karl, who was starting to tremble slightly. “We know what Karl saw. And so, I think it’s obvious what we need to do: take every action to prevent it.” Everyone’s expressions varied, but they all knew that Karl had never been wrong. Not once. Hypnos clung to Sapnap’s arm a little tighter. “I, personally, will be retiring the Axe of Peace.” There were a few gasps around the room. The Axe had been Techno’s preferred weapon for years. 

“Techno,” Hypnos finally spoke up, and the room’s silence was palpable. “Thanks, man. That- that means a lot.”

“I can. Uhm,” BadBoyHalo, whose name was frequently truncated to “Bad,” whispered, although everyone heard it, “I can call him. And tell him.” His voice quavered near the end as he stood up.

Techno nodded, trying to keep his expression neutral. Linguist stood next, drawing attention to himself, as he said “Also, clearly, something needs to be done about that vigilante, that TommyInnit.” The expressions of the heroes in the room turned grim, and they began to discuss what they could do to make  _ sure  _ that whatever that kid was planning to do to Dream, he never got the chance. 

\-----------------------

“... Bad?”

“Dream! Oh thank goodness you picked up, I- I… I have something I really need to tell you.” Bad said, voice anxious and urgent.

“What’s up, man?” Dream replied, coolly.

“I, uhm, well. It’s about Karl. He uh- He had another vision. And it involved you.”

The masked man’s head turned slightly, nearly imperceptibly, at the mention of The Prophet.  _ This should be interesting.  _ “Oh? What did he see?”

“He- well- he saw you. Uh. Getting stabbed. With Techno’s Axe.” Bad’s voice was becoming more and more shaky, and it was clear he was close to tears, if not already there.

“What?” Dream’s voice finally took on a hint of emotion. “Techno’s Axe? Does that mean that Techno was the one that-”

“No! No! Oh my goodness no! It was a vigilante, I don’t know if you’ve heard of him, uhm, ah, TommyInnit?” Bad replied.

“Interesting. Was that what the meeting Techno called was about?” 

“Yes it wa- you muffinhead! You  _ knew  _ there was an emergency meeting-” Dream muted the call with a sigh, knowing that he was about to get lectured for at least a half hour. He hopped off the ledge he was standing on and walked down the street casually, knowing that the mere sight of his iconic mask would deter any criminals from giving him trouble, even in this part of town. 

His face twisted into a scowl as he looked at the state of his uniform.  _ There were dirty patches and stains, and it smelled faintly of whiskey. He was going to have to wash it himself. He didn’t want any questions. _ He leapt up the fire escape on the side of a dilapidated building, letting himself in through a window. The room didn’t match the outside much at all; it appeared well-kept, although a bit untidy. The masked man sighed as he slouched on the couch, exhaustion apparent in his posture. 

_ TommyInnit, huh?  _ Dream thought.  _ This will be interesting. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say that the amount of support for this fic has been wild!! I never expected it to get such positive feedback, and all those nice comments make my day! Thank you all so much!   
> Anyways, you can expect another update right around Saturday(ish). Hope you all are doing well! :D


	4. all hail philza, the only man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> garlic bread theft, dramatic reanactments, gremlin activites, and more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i stayed up late last night with friends. i have so much work to do. i got a chai latte from panera and trader joes fruit strips. have a chapter you lovely people.

“No, Tubbo, listen to me, there is NO fucking way that Philza would lose-”

“AGAINST THE OTHER THIRY TOP FUCKING HEROES?!? Tommy, you are delusional.” Tubbo proclaimed, pointing his fork, which currently had spaghetti twirled around it, in the face of his best friend.

“Tubbo,” Tommy replied, mouth half-full of pasta, “Philza, Inventor of Minecraft, The Only Man to Ever Exist, it is not possible for him to lose. He cannot. It is one of the laws of the universe. Newton himself said so.” At Tubbo’s skeptical look, he finished chewing his pasta and closed his eyes, sitting in his chair in a way that could not have been good for his spine. “Hmmm…. Yes… I am communing with the ghost of Mr. Physics Man himself…. He says that math is dumb and that Philza Minecraft is the best and most superior of men… also that you are a bitch.”

Tubbo simply responded by throwing a noodle in Tommy’s face, whose eyes opened, aghast. “Wh- Tubbo! How dare you betray me like this! My own best friend, backstabbing me!” He slipped down out of his chair, clutching his chest as he fell to the floor. “Oh, the pain, the agony!”

Tubbo, upon seeing this, got up from his chair and walked to stand over Tommy, who was apparently re-enacting Julius Caesar. He picked up garlic bread off of Tommy’s plate, made eye contact, and said “Long live the king,” as he shoved it into his mouth and sprinted off. Tommy gasped.  _ Garlic bread theft was a violation of the Geneva Convention. _ He leapt up after Tubbo, and after tackling him to the ground, realized he was too late to save his precious bread. 

“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” Tommy screamed, throwing his arms up into the air as though to beg for mercy from an unforgiving god. His best friend,  _ the traitor, _ simply looked up at him with a smirk that would make the Chesire cat proud. Soon after Tommy finished wailing, which only took around thirty seconds (he got bored quickly), and the two got up to finish their pasta.  _ It would be a crime to waste perfectly good spaghetti.  _

As the two slurped their noodles in silence, Tommy remembered what they had originally been disagreeing about. Tommy whipped out his phone, determined to find evidence that Philza Minecraft was invincible and amazing and poggers. He scrolled through the Hero section of his news app, and something caught his eye. “SPEECH HERO LINGUIST OFFERS 50k REWARD FOR INFORMATION ABOUT VIGILANTE…” Tommy winced,  _ poor bloke.  _ He clicked on the article, only to read the full title and feel his blood run cold. “... TOMMYINNIT.” He nearly choked on his pasta, and when Tubbo looked up, slightly alarmed at his friend’s sudden coughing fit, his eyes landed on the screen and he froze. 

Tommy finally managed to swallow his spaghetti, and when the two met eyes again, their expressions were grim. “Shit,” they said in unison. 

“Why the fuck would they offer $50,000 for  _ me _ ?” Tommy cried, launching up out of his seat, beginning to pace around the room. Tubbo got up as well, clearly as distressed as his best friend.

“I- I don’t know honestly. I mean, I know they’ve been cracking down more on vigilantes, but fifty thousand dollars seems pretty excessive; it’s not like you’re that much of a threat,” Tubbo replied, only for Tommy to gasp in indignation.

“NOT THAT MUCH OF A- Tubbo how  _ dare  _ you, I’ll have you know I am the biggest, most threatening, most poggers man ever, and that they would be very correct to be terrified of me,” Tommy hissed, posturing and drawing himself up like some sort of particularly flagrant tropical bird. 

“Of course, Tommy. I just mean that you’re not, like, a supervillain or something. It’s not like they have to worry about you killing anyone. You’re a vigilante; you still have  _ some  _ morals.” Tubbo responded, attempting to placate Tommy.

“I have all of the important morals Tubbo, don’t you worry. I would never kill someone. Just give them a little stabbing. A bit of knife-ing never hurt anyone,” Tommy said confidently. Tubbo rolled his eyes, not mentioning that a “bit of knife-ing” had, in fact, very recently hurt Tommy  _ himself _ . 

“Whatever you say, Tommy. Anyways, we need to figure out what to do about this. $50,000 is a lot of money, is there anyone we know who could rat us out?” Tubbo asked, fiddling with his hands in his pockets. Tommy recognized the nervous tic for what it was.

“I mean… Punz and Purpled know, but I don’t think they’d risk their business like that,” Tommy said, hesitating. Tubbo had gone to the two for gear when Tommy was first starting out; some parts for his tech would create red flags for any government official looking over his purchase history. They two had promised them complete anonymity, but Tommy knew how little the two actually cared about anything other than cash.  _ The only thing he could hope for was the price staying low enough that Punz decides it’s not worth the money.  _

“Or well…” Tommy paused for a moment, thinking, “You said you saw Niki talking with Linguist earlier? And that she was on a ‘mission?’ Is it possible that-”

“No! No! Of course not! Niki would never do that!” Tubbo responded, aghast.  _ Niki had always been so sweet to the both of them, and had even offered Tubbo a job. The job that was currently the only reason the two were able to live here.  _

“I know, I know. I’m just nervous I guess. Paranoid and shit,” Tommy said with a laugh, though there was no humor in his voice. Silence fell over the two of them as they contemplated this new information. _ One of the most popular heroes was willing to offer $50k for some small-time vigilante, who wasn’t even violent? Something wasn’t adding up... _

\----------------------

After much debate, Tubbo had finally allowed Tommy to go out on patrol, only after he swore  _ on Philza Minecraft  _ that he wouldn’t “be an idiot” and “pull any reckless bullcrap.” Tommy had pulled on his suit and put on his tech, and then pressed a small button on his watch which shifted the colors of his suit to black. He had put his mask, and the voice-modifier and little microphone inside of it, in his backpack, which he now set down in the back of a deserted alley. 

Tommy glanced around several times, before hurriedly putting on his mask and shifting his suit colors, and then shoving the backpack behind a dumpster. Upon ensuring that everything was as it should be, he whispered, “Tubbo?”

“Right here big man,” came the voice of his best friend through the speaker in his earpiece. “Hmm… give me a second here…” Tubbo hummed, and Tommy could hear the distorted noise of police scanners in the background. “It sounds like they got a call for a disturbance off of 7th Ave… But none of them are around right now. You want to check it out?”

“Already on it Tubs,” he replied, shooting out of the alleyway towards 7th. It was fairly late, almost 11pm, but there were still a few people out on the streets, some of whom sent the vigilante a nod of recognition. Tommy grinned under his mask at that.  _ Nice to know he was appreciated.  _

He finally rounded the corner, turning on to 7th then quickly drew himself back behind the wall as he saw exactly what this “disturbance” was. It appeared as though five men had gotten  _ wasted  _ at the nearby bar, gotten themselves kicked out, and decided that the appropriate response was to start beating the absolute shit of each other.  _ Dipshits. _

Tommy sighed, emotionally preparing himself to deal with  _ men, ugh _ , and straightened himself before walking around the corner. He strolled towards the troublemakers, who seemed so absorbed in their drunken tirade they didn’t even notice the vigilante in the  _ bright red and white uniform  _ walk up to them. Tommy cleared his throat, and noticing they either didn’t hear him or just elected to ignore him, yelled “OI!” 

That got their attention. They looked up, finally registering that the great TommyInnit was in their presence. They then immediately went back to what they were doing. “What the fuck do you want, kid?” One man asked, deciding that now would be a good time to kick one of his associates in the balls.  _ Ouch _ . “Well it seems you’re causing a bit of a disturbance lads, you’re going to need to stop before I separate you- Oh, SHIT!” Tommy yelped, ducking out of the way as one of the men decided that it would be a good idea to attack  _ him.  _

Tommy scowled. “So you’re gonna be like that then, huh?” He asked. Tommy really hadn’t wanted to get in a fight tonight, but it seemed he wouldn’t have a choice. He noted the streetlight nearby.  _ Perfect. _

Tommy launched himself at the man who had so foolishly tried to attack him earlier, and swung right past him.  _ His reflexes were normally better than most peoples’, but against a drunk person’s the comparison was just sad. _ Tommy brought him closer to the pole, goading him “Aww come on big man? You think you can take me, you fucking pussy? Come on then, bitch!”

The man made a noise between a growl and a roar, and stumbled towards Tommy with all the fury and intelligence of a bull storming towards a red cape. Tommy easily leapt aside, and quickly wrapped him against the pole with some of the ultra-compressed rope Tubbo had given him, another of his inventions. 

The other four appeared oblivious to the fate of their other member, intent on being as idiotic as possible, and Tommy made short work of them. Within ten minutes, all five of the men were tied to the pole, and Tommy grinned.  _ Not bad,  _ he thought, and the little Tubbo in his ear echoed the sentiment. He was just about to ask Tubbo where he should go next when he heard something odd. It sounded kind of like-  _ Wings. SHIT.  _

Tommy sprinted, his legs pounding against the pavement, just in time to see  _ The Philza Minecraft  _ swoop over to where he was standing. “Tubbo Tubbo Tubbo holy shit it’s Philza it’s Philza Minecraft what the fuck what the FUCK,” He whispered. 

Tubbo swore, “What the hell? He’s not supposed to be on patrol right now, I planned your route so that-”

“Heya mate,” the winged hero said, slowly walking closer to Tommy, who backed up quickly. 

“I- uhm, hi, hello, uh, Philza, hi. What are you um. What are you doing here?” Tommy asked, definitely not stumbling over his words as he realized he was talking to  _ Philza fucking Minecraft.  _

“Well, you know, I figured I’d switch up my patrol route a little bit, mix things up, and I noticed that there was someone in a white and red uniform next to an oddly-shaped streetlamp,” Phil said, nodding towards the pole which currently had a few passed-out men tied to it. 

“Ah, yes, well, you see, they were being bitches, and, you know, beating the shit out of each other and being loud and  _ men, _ ” Tommy said the last part particularly disdainfully, as though being men was, without a doubt, the worst of their crimes, “And so I came over and told them to stop being fuckheads, and they didn’t listen, and then one of them tried to attack me, so,” he gestured towards the streetlamp at this, “Here we are.”

Phil hummed in agreement, slowly and very deliberately taking a step closer, “Here we are indeed.”  _ Really? This was the kid who was going to kill Dre- No, no, stab. Stabs weren’t always lethal. Just… usually. The boy’s voice was strange, distorted in some way; there must be some sort of modifier in that mask of his. He was a bit taller than Phil, although what he had in height, he lacked in muscle mass. The vigilante looked like his arms were as easy to break as glowsticks.  _

Phil casually moved his hand closer to his pocket, which currently contained a pair of handcuffs.  _ He didn’t really want to hurt the kid, but he knew he needed to lock him up. For everyone’s sake.  _ “So, you’re the vigilante everyone’s talking about, hm? TommyInnit?” He said, looking the kid up and down.  _ Yeesh, that uniform was bright. Sapnap would love it. _

“I- uhm- yeah, that’s. That’s me,” Tommy replied, as Tubbo shreiked in his ear calling him a  _ fucking idiot for confirming that he was the vigilante with a $50k price on his head. _ He noticed that Phil was gradually drawing closer, and he continued to move back, matching his pace. “So, anyways big man, it’s been great talking with you, but I’m sure you’re busy and-”

“Oh no, not at all. In fact, if you don’t mind, I’d love to chat with you for a bit- Fuck!” Phil swore as the kid sprinted away. He jumped up in the air, flying up above the road as he caught up to the kid who  _ ducked into an alleyway to narrow for his wings, God damn it.  _ Phil huffed, landing, and chased after the lanky vigilante currently doing everything in his power to avoid capture.  _ Little shit,  _ Phil thought, as the kid stopped briefly to launch a trash bag from a nearby dumpster back at him. 

_ Holy shit oh my fucking fuck fuck fuck Philza was currently chasing his he was being chased by The Philza, the only good man, fucking hell what the FUCK-  _ Tommy’s thoughts were chaotic, frantic, and swear-filled as he maneuvered his way around the alleyway in a fashion that would make Dream, self-proclaimed God of Parkour While Being Chased (he had made Flame and Hypnos call him that for a week after he won one of their Manhunts), very proud. 

Tubbo was screaming in his ear the whole time, shouting “Left, hurry, faster, right, no- I said  _ right,  _ you idiot- fuck, straight! Keep going,” Tommy kept running, his breath coming out in pants. “Hey Philza!” Tommy called, still sprinting.

“Yeah, mate?” The winged man replied, slowly gaining ground.

“Is now a bad time to ask for your autograph?”

Phil stumbled for a moment, nearly tripping, and then burst out laughing. “You,” he wheezed with a smile, “You know what? Come over here and I promise you I’ll get you one.”

“I would really love to big man, like  _ really love to _ , but I have a feeling if I come over there I will in fact end up arrested, and that would really ruin the Star Wars marathon I wanted to have later tonight. I don’t think they’d let me do that in jail.” Tommy called back, jumping over a cardboard cutout of Linguist someone had left out on the street. It looked like it had some sort of small puncture holes in it.  _ Why the fu- you know what? Not important. _

“Tommy!” Tubbo yelled, capturing the vigilante’s attention. “Up ahead there’s a big crowd of people, they’re waiting for a movie premiere or something, go hide in the crowd!” Tommy grinned,  _ Finally, some good luck.  _ With the end in sight, he put on a burst of speed, much to Phil’s annoyance. Following Tubbo’s instructions he made it to the crowd and ran towards it, shoving people aside with apologies shouted behind him as he went.

The people were packed together densely, and it was pretty dark out, so when Tommy ducked behind a corner to yank off his mask and switch his suit back to black, and then casually strolled back out, no one really took notice. Tommy saw that Philza was currently taking advantage of the open area, flying over as he searched for the vigilante. Tommy grinned as he walked over back towards his apartment and no one, winged heroes included, moved to stop him. H _ e’d gotten off scot-free.  _

Meanwhile, Philza cursed under his breath.  _ Somehow that little shit had managed to blend into the crowd. You’d think that blinding outfit of his would be easier to spot, but the people were so close that it was hard to tell.  _ After a few minutes and many exclamations from civilians as they noticed the popular hero soaring above them, he sighed, and flew over to the top of a nearby building, where he contacted Linguist and Flame, who were currently also nearby. 

One of the things the heroes had agreed on in the committee meeting was increasing (read: even having) patrols in the areas where TommyInnit was seen, and the three of them had been on duty tonight.  _ Shit,  _ he thought,  _ they were not going to be happy the kid got away.  _ He breathed for a moment, settling his nerves, then pressed the “Call” icon next to the contacts labelled “Guitar Son” and “Flame.” 

“Hello?” The two voices said, and Phil responded “Hi boys, uhh, less than great news. I was talking to that TommyInnit kid, was going to try to bring him in, but he uh… “ He winced; this was not going to be fun. “He got away.”

“He WHA-”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just wanted to say that reading everyone's theories makes me so AAAAA!!! i love love love reading them! thank you so much again for the support, and the next update will be monday(ish). :D


	5. ranboo needs his pasta rights revoked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spaghetti cupcakes, corn snakes, cheez-its, and crimes.

“Boo, for the last time, we are  _ not _ putting pasta on cupcakes,” Tubbo sighed, exasperated. 

“But, Bee-”

“Ranboo.  _ No. _ ” The heathen in question pouted, then nodded sadly while secretly resigning himself to make his Lovecraftian cupcake while Tubbo was away. The two had been frosting cupcakes for the past thirty minutes, and Niki had given them the freedom to put whatever designs they wanted on top (as long as they were appropriate, she had added).  _ Ranboo failed to notice how she said designs and not toppings,  _ Tubbo thought with an aggravated smile. 

“Oh, hey, by the way, did you see that new competition Sam Nook came out with?” Ranboo asked, turning towards his friend, who dropped the cupcake he was frosting with a gasp.

“WHAT? No! Show me, show me, show me!” He yelled as he ran up to the taller boy. Sam Nook was a character of sorts played by the hero Awesamdude; essentially, he used the silly little animated version of himself to try to get kids and teenagers more involved in technology and heroism. He even had his own YouTube channel where he posted simple tutorial videos and introductions to computers and engineering. 

Tubbo had been a huge fan of him since he was younger, always looking up to the technologically-inclined hero. He especially appreciated the fact that, although he was known to be kind and caring to kids, he was still a well-respected hero and engineer, and had even designed the plans for the infamous Pandora’s Vault: a supposedly impenetrable storage facility for some of the world’s greatest weapons and technology, either for heroes’ use or confiscated from villains.

Tubbo was practically vibrating by the time Ranboo pulled up the video, and tugged the phone down close to his face as it began.

“Hello everyone,” the animated Awesamdude started, “I am Sam Nook, here to tell you all about an upcoming competition! I think it’s important to get more of the talents of today’s youth recognized, which is why I’ve decided to create this challenge. Anyone under the age of 18 is invited to submit a ten-minute video of themselves describing an invention of their own design. You should describe what it is, why it would be useful in heroics, how you came up with the idea… that sort of thing! The finalists will be brought in to display their designs for me to judge in-person, and the winner will receive a paid internship under me for a year! For further details, go to…” Tubbo tuned out the rest, his thoughts racing.

_ An internship with Awesamdude? Access to amazing tech? Money?? This was a dream come true! But what to make? He already had a decent amount of inventions under his belt, but he wanted something extraordinary, he wanted to- _

“Well, Bee, it sounds like you’re pretty interested,” Ranboo said with a smile. Tubbo paused,  _ Shit, had he been mumbling again? Whoops.  _

“Yeah, I- I mean this sounds like an amazing opportunity, I’d really love to win,” He replied, fidgeting with his hands. He then noticed the cupcake that had dropped on the floor, frosting-side-down, during the earlier excitement. He sighed, “Ah, fuck.”

\-----

Tommy sighed, lounging on the beat-up couch as he held  _ Clementine  _ in his arms. “ _ Clementine,  _ my child, I know you want to stab some bitches. I  _ also  _ want to stab some bitches,” he said, wiping away a nonexistent tear. “But you see my daughter, Philza Minecraft, the most poggers man- dare I say it, the  _ only  _ poggers man- he is chasing me,” he continued, as  _ Clementine _ slowly wormed her way around his arms. 

At the last words, she glanced up at him, blinking slightly. Tommy nodded, bringing her up closer to him, and replied, “ _ Clementine _ , I agree with you, it is simply ridiculous that he is chasing me, I am a big man, the second biggest man  _ ever, _ some may say, and they would be correct to do so. I am just simply so poggers that it seems the heroes are intimidated by me. I mean, it is understandable, I am very threatening,” he said with a confident grin as he flexed his non-existent muscles. 

_ Clementine  _ blinked at him again, and he hummed in agreement. “You are correct, my beautiful daughter. You are so smart and brilliant. I  _ do  _ deserve some Cheez-Its. I would give you some, too, but you are not supposed to have them. One day,  _ Clementine _ , I will get Tubbo to make you some snake-Cheez-Its, and they will be delicious and so poggers, and you will dine like the queen you are. I should get you a throne-” Tommy paused at this, raising his voice as he yelled, “Tubbo! Where would I be able to buy a tiny throne?”

Tubbo, currently in the other room, barely resisted the urge to smack his head against his desk.  _ It would hurt like a bitch with all of the tech strewn across it anyways, so it was probably for the best.  _ He was in the middle of working on his project for Awesamdude’s competition, and he had hoped his roommate would’ve been able to go more than ten minutes without asking some  _ dumbass question. Why the fuck would he even need a tiny thr-  _ Clementine.  _ He wanted to get his pet worm a fucking throne. Jesus Christ.  _

After Tommy’s frankly alarming encounter with Philza and the uptick in hero patrols in the area, Tubbo had managed to convince Tommy that it was for the best that he stayed home and lied low for a bit. It had taken a long argument, several death threats, and some minor bribery, but Tommy finally relented. He was now in the other room, playing with his snake, incapable of  _ shutting the fuck up.  _ Tubbo ran a hand through his hair, sighing.  _ No, it wasn’t Tommy’s fault he didn’t know when to stop talking; he couldn’t exactly blame him for the thing that made him so entertaining to be around. Tubbo was just stressed about the competition. What if- _

“Oi! Tubbster,” Tommy yelled, walking into the room while holding  _ Clementine  _ ever so gently, snapping Tubbo out of his thoughts. “Where the fuck are the Cheez-Its?”

Tubbo looked at him oddly, asking “Didn’t you finish all of them like, a week ago?”

Tommy swore in response, recalling that,  _ yes, in fact, he had finished all of those tasty little cheese squares while watching Moana with his wonderful child. He had only cried twice this time.  _ “Well then big man, what should I do? I  _ need  _ Cheez-Its, don’t I, my beautiful daughter?” He replied, carefully holding up the corn snake in his arms.

Tubbo stared at him, unimpressed, as he replied, “Tommy, you’re clearly bored out of your mind, why don’t you just go buy some yourself? I know you have money hidden away somewhere, you fucking racoon. Go take your worm out and get some fresh air.”

“SHE IS NOT A- Tubbo, how dare you. How  _ dare  _ you. You think you can just insult my daughter, to me, in front of my face? You have the  _ audacity,  _ the  _ nerve,  _ the absolute  _ gall,  _ to call my wonderful corn snake child a worm? I should stab you where you stand, you  _ bitch,”  _ Tommy cried in response, outraged. “Come on  _ Clementine, _ ” he whispered to the snake with a huff, “let’s get out of here. We don’t need this negativity in our lives.” 

Tommy turned around with his nose in the air, walking out of the room with the corn snake in his arms, as Tubbo let out a relieved sigh.  _ Finally, he could focus.  _

\-----

Tommy made his way over to the grocery store, whispering to  _ Clementine  _ the whole way. She moved around slowly in his arms, clearly content and used to Tommy’s incessant commentary. Tommy walked into the store, corn snake and $4.36 in hand, striding towards the snack food isle where he was certain he could find his desired snack. He got a few odd looks at the snake in his arms, but a furious glare sent towards any curious onlookers sent them away rather quickly.  _ None of those bitches deserved to look upon her radiance, anyway,  _ he thought with a sneer. 

Finally, he found it, the Cheez-Its. He grabbed a box off of the shelf, and whispered, “Look,  _ Clementine,  _ we have achieved our mission. You are so wise. I don’t know what I could do without you.”  _ Clementine  _ stared at him, then nudged her head softly against his, and Tommy  _ definitely did not start tearing up, what the fuck were you talking about, there was dust in the air- _

Suddenly, Tommy tenses as he feels a knife press against his throat. “What the fu-” 

“Sorry about this kid,” the man currently threatening Tommy’s life replied, “But hostages just make the whole ‘getting away with crimes’ thing so much easier.”

Tommy winced at that, trying to figure out what the fuck this guy’s deal was, when he galnced down and noticed the man’s signature platform boots, rainbows streaked along the sides.  _ This wasn’t just any villain, this was  _ Eret. An infamous traitor, Eret had initially worked alongside Linguist, and his betrayal had struck the hero community hard. His passion for equality had led him to despise some rules and regulations he viewed as getting in the way of justice, and so still maintained a decent-sized, though smaller, fanbase. 

_ That explained how he got snuck up on _ , Tommy thought, as the man slowly began leading him through the store, grip tight. Eret’s power was impressive: he could create portals, rifts in space, and allow people and objects to transfer through. He was as much of an asset to the heroes as he was a danger to them now. His powers allowed for quick escapes and little consequences, and the villain was notorious for playing with heroes, teasing them as he slipped in and out of his portals.

Not thirty seconds later, Tommy heard screams throughout the store, and blanched as he moved out of the aisle and saw a person’s horrified face frozen into stone.  _ It seemed Medusa was here as well.  _ The kid was about Tommy’s age, and he had made a name for himself, but not in a good way. When he removed his signature 3D glasses, anyone he made eye contact with turned to stone. It was thankfully temporary, but it allowed him to cause mayhem with little interference; many heroes didn’t want to risk being turned to stone only to get  _ smashed.  _

There appeared to be other, lower-rank villains there as well, but none that Tommy recognized. They didn’t even really seem to have a purpose; they were just indiscriminately causing chaos. He held  _ Clementine  _ closer to him, and plans whizzed through his mind.  _ There was nothing he could do right now. Eret’s grip was bruisingly tight, and even if he got out the man would certainly be able to portal over to him and capture him again.  _ Tommy despaired,  _ he had only wanted to go get some Cheez-Its with his daughter, and now he was a fucking hostage.  _

Suddenly, a crash sounded through the store, and Tommy’s spirits lifted as Eret swore under his breath.  _ The heroes had arrived.  _ Flame was the first to appear; he must’ve been the one who broke the window. The hero immediately moved towards the villains, luring them away from civilians before he blasted them with fire. Bad was next, running into the building as he attempted to shepherd the terrified civilians to safety. Finally, Hypnos came in, moving sluggishly, like he had just woken up from a nap. His power’s were similar to Medusa’s in terms of function (hence the glasses covering his eyes), but instead of turning them to stone he simply sent them to sleep. 

Eret swiftly turned in the other direction, dragging Tommy along with him. Tommy smirked, gaining some confidence back as he said, “Not so cocky now, are you, bitch?”

The man looked down at him, his eyes obscured by a pair of sunglasses, and Tommy felt some of that previous fear trickle back in. Not that he would ever let it show, of course. Tommy spoke again, this time his voice less snide, “Can you just fucking let me go already? Clearly, you guys are going to lose, and I want to eat my Cheez-Its in peace.” Eret looked down at the box in his hand, now dented from his tight stress-squeezing. He didn’t reply, though, still staring silently at the scene before him.

He didn’t make any move to help the criminals, who were slowly but surely being taken down by the heroes. Instead, he kept a vigilant watch of the scene ahead of him, occasionally glancing at his watch. Tommy had so much energy he was practically shaking, wanting- no,  _ needing _ \- to get out of the villain’s grip and  _ do something _ . 

Medusa turned around the corner, glasses thankfully pulled over his eyes, and, glancing at the tall man, said, “Think it’s time?” 

Eret hummed, intently surveying his surroundings, and just as he was about to speak, the heroes Flame and Bad came sprinting down the aisle. 

“Don’t move!” Eret said, not quite yelling, but it was certainly loud enough to startle Tommy, who twitched in his grasp. The man held the knife to Tommy’s throat tighter, and he felt it just begin to draw blood. The heroes paused, glancing at each other, uncertain, as Tommy held perfectly still. 

Suddenly, Tommy felt himself being jerked backwards, as the heroes lurched forward, panic apparent in their eyes.  _ What was wrong, why would- _

Black engulfed Tommy’s vision as he was pulled through one of Eret’s portals, and the scene in front of him disappeared in a fuzzy haze.  _ Tubbo was going to kill him. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO MY LOVES!! apologies, I wanted to update earlier than this, but i discovered at 9:30 last night there was a major enlgish assignment I had just. Forgot existed. Anyways, have a chapter. I did not proofread this in the slightest, so please let me know if you see any typos. Also, we've gotten to over 500 kudos which is just Bonkers you guys are amazing!! Also also, some of the things you guys bookmark this as are fucking hilarious, and your comments always make me smile. Have a good one everyone! You can expect another update this Friday(ish)! :D  
> My twt is @ Penta_Sym if u wanna yell at me :]

**Author's Note:**

> LMAO it's been ages since i've written fanfic so apologies for any fuck-ups.  
> also if u enjoyed lmk!! i kinda just Went For It so idrk if I'm gonna end up making this into a Thing but if u guys like it i will certainly continue.  
> have a good one!! :]  
> PS: would love to see if anyone can correctly guess what these two are actually trying to type LMAO


End file.
